Womb with a View

“When trying to glean information from my female friends about being pregnant and giving birth, I got the sense that they were holding back on me. There was a liberal use of euphemism, interspersed with ‘oh, I don’t really remember’ and ‘well, you know…’

But that was the trouble. I didn’t know. And now I bloody well do…”

The debut book from Jodie Newman is an hilarious, no-holds barred account of pregnancy and those ridiculous, petrifying, life changing and milk-sodden first six months of motherhood.

This book is to be read by mothers- and fathers-to-be who want to know what they might have let themselves in for, by parents who have already brought children into the world who can read it safe in the knowledge that they will never, ever have to do it again, and by people who have no children and want reassurance that they have definitely made the right life choice.

The book is available to buy right now. Yes, this very minute. Just scroll down a smidge, click the Buy button, and hey presto. Easy peasy.

And if you prefer your books with a little less paper, then the Kindle version is just perfect for you. Head on over to Amazon and search for it in the Kindle book section.

Order Womb With a View now

Jodie's latest book is available for purchase right now. You can pay via paypal or with your credit/debit card and is only £6.99 plus delivery!

Order the Womb With A View now

 

 

There are some extracts below if you want a taster.  Once you have finished reading the extracts, and can’t wait until your newly purchased book arrives, you can always head on over to my blog www.motheringfrights.wordpress.com.

 Extract Three: You do the maths

I have no idea why it is de rigeur to state the length of your pregnancy in weeks. There is a very handy unit of time that is much easier to work with, called a month, but no one in the medical profession has cottoned on to this yet. It used to irritate me when I enquired of pregnant women how far gone they were, to have a meaningless number of weeks thrown back at me. Twenty-two weeks? How the fuck long is that? Have the hormones affected your brain, love? Tell me in months, like any normal bloody person would. I can’t be doing with trying to work out what that is in months. I am shit at maths. I knew maths and me were never really going to rub along the day that Mr. MacGregor told us we were going to be having a ‘bit of fun’ in the lesson and, taking his position at the blackboard, began to explain that in maths, it is theoretically impossible for one car to actually overtake another. There were thirty-three people in that classroom. And thirty-two of them were looking at the other one, with his beard, tweed and elbow patches (yes, Mr MacGregor was an uber-cliche when it came to being a teacher, from his slightly balding crown to his need-a-polish brogues) and thinking: what the bloody hell are you talking about man? This episode was closely followed by my maths exam paper being returned to me in class. Mr MacGregor slid it onto my desk. “Very…neat handwriting,” he said with a weak smile. You know you are in trouble when your artistry as a calligrapher is the most notable thing about your maths prowess.

And yet. Here I am, sitting with a friend, saying, “Oh, I am thirty-two weeks.” She looks at me blankly and I realise that I have been lured over to the dark side. I roll my eyes. “Divide by four, that will tell you roughly,” I suggest, not attempting something so complicated myself in public, of course.

 

Extract Two: The world of prams (sorry, baby travel systems)

The time comes that we must buy a pram for our impending offspring. Being novice parents-to-be, we thought this would be a fairly simple task. Hah. How wrong can two people be? We canvas opinions from friends. Top of the list is the Bugaboo, the pram of choice for Yummy Mummies. Except they are not called prams anymore. They are travel systems. Which, as far as I can tell, means that for the several hundred pounds for which it is advertised, you get four wheels and a frame, with everything else as an optional, expensive extra. 

“Oh, you want handles, madam? That will be another £150. But you really don’t want the basic handles. These are the latest handles, with ergo-grip technology and tri-positionable wrist supports. It’s not worth not spending the extra £60 to have these.” Friends bemoan the fact that theirs did not come with a cup holder, and that they had to fork out another chunk of cash for this essential piece of pram ware. No cup holder? Good god, that’s practically child abuse.

 

Extract One: The first scan

Days plod by, the date of that nuchal fold scan creeping ever closer. Our local health authority doesn’t offer a nuchal fold scan as part of the deal – but they are very generous with the leaflets from out local private clinics that will provide the service for a fee. I still don’t actually know what a nuchal fold is, so I have decided that it is probably an advanced way of folding napkins into wine glasses for pretentious dinner parties. “For God’s sake, Manuella, swans are so last decade. Do the nuchal fold, and make sure the label isn’t showing.” The midwife convinced me that there was no point having a dating scan (the free one) as well as the nuchal fold scan (the one that costs about the same as a weekend break), as they may throw up conflicting answers about the due date. It is slightly unnerving to know that something that seemed so medically precise and technologically advanced as a scan does, in fact, boil down to a bit of finger-in-the-air (well, I suppose it could be put somewhere a lot worse) guess work.

 

Order Womb With a View now

Jodie's latest book is available for purchase right now. You can pay via paypal or with your credit/debit card and is only £6.99 plus delivery!

Order the Womb With A View now


4 Responses to “Womb with a View”

  • Boo Manley

    Jodie. My mum has bought me this book for Christmas and has started reading it. Hilarious, tears rolling down her face, etc etc. even dad has dragged himself away for the telegraph to read it. So I have bought ten copies for all my mates at Christmas. Yes i only have ten mates !!
    Suggest all your readers do the same
    Lots of love
    Jane.

    • Jodie

      Thanks Jane – glad your mum liked it and it gave her a laugh. That’s the thing about the whole motherhood thing. It is hilarious. Only after the event.

  • tessanntenn

    I just read this book and I have to ask, did you have your baby at PAH? I cannot help but think you must live around the Epping area because I’m sure I actually recognised the midwives and health visitors and hospital descriptions. Utterly hilarious, great book. Keep writing.

    • Jodie

      Sorry about the ridiculous delay in replying to your comment… I blame the kids (I say that a lot). Good spot… yes, indeed, I stayed at L’Hotel de Alexandra. It was a real treat… Glad you liked the book, thanks for your kind comments.

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